Office 2007 Annoyances

UPDATE:

By complete coincidence, MS announced SP2 for Office 2007 *today*. Which I found about 10 minutes after complaining in this post. I'm installing it and I'll let you know how things go.

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If you have an embedded Excel 2007 file in a Word 2007 document, and happen to have Excel open as well, Office, (in it's brilliance) informs you that Excel is not installed and tries to run Office 2007 setup.

This screen shot is classic:

Google and God

I came across this sign during a recent trip to Banff, and thought I would share. Google is everywhere...

Chocolate Truffles for non-Cooks

I'm not much of a cook. I can't make waffles without using every single utensil and pot in the house, and I occasionally go check my email in the middle of making something, only to lose track of time until the fire alarm goes off....

But every year I make chocolate truffles with the kids. Now, normally making proper chocolates requires special copper pans and candy thermometers and all sorts of patience, timing and skills. None of which I have. But I like to spend time with my kids, and chocolate is as good of an excuse as any (although, do you *really* need an excuse for chocolate? Or time with your kids? Ever?)

Anyway, I came across a recipe for chocolate truffles a long time ago that suits me just fine - it's easy, inexpensive and fun to do with kids. I just spent the last hour tearing apart my damn basement looking for it. I also tried all sorts of searches online. Nothing.

All the "truffle' recipes online seem to start out with "get a degree in culinary arts, buy a thousand dollars worth of copper cooking equipment, install a gas stove, and then buy large chunks of unsweetened chocolate, some cream cheese, etc...

Nope, not for me. I just found the recipe I use and it's dead simple. It's also tattered almost beyond recognition. I'm afraid I'll lose it again so I'm posting to my blog.

Yes, I'm abusing your time and attention for my own selfish reasons, bad memory and poor filing skills. I can only hope to make it up to you for this horrible abuse of your trust and time by offering some delicious, easy and simple holiday cheer - the McAnerin household recipe for easy chocolate truffles:

Easy Chocolate Truffles

Ingredients

• 3 cups (3x250ml) semi-sweet chocolate chips
• 1 (14oz/300ml) can sweetened condensed milk
• 1 tbsp (15ml) vanilla extract

Yup, that's it. No complicated recipes for THIS guy...

Coatings: Finely chopped toasted nuts, flaked coconut, chocolate sprinkles, colored sprinkles, unsweetened cocoa, confectioners' sugar or colored sugars.

Flavors: I also wrap the chocolate around maraschio cherries, though it's messy and doesn't turn out perfectly. Another thing I do is add rum, maple, banana and other flavors to the batches (1 tsp for each batch gives a nice light flavoring, one tablespoon is stronger). Yummy.

Instructions

1. In large saucepan, over low heat, melt chocolate chips with sweetened condensed milk.
2. Remove from heat
3. Stir in vanilla.
4. Pour into medium bowl. If you are making different flavors this is where you separate into different batches and mix in the flavorings (rum, maple, butterscotch, etc).
5. Cover and chill 2 to 3 hours or until firm.
6. Shape into 1in(2.5cm) balls; roll in desired coating and/or decorate with frosting and candies. I use different coatings to tell the flavors apart.
7. Chill 1 hour or until firm. Store leftovers covered in refrigerator.

Note 1: I use Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk, and as I was writing this, it occured to me that's probably where I got the original recipe from - a label on one of the cans. I just checked, and it was. Credits for the original version of the recipe to them.

Note 2: Yes, I know that 14oz is technically equal to 415ml, not 300ml, but that's the standard size can in Canada and this is an *easy* recipe. One can of sweetened condensed milk. It works just fine. Same goes for all other conversions - the focus is on easy and tasty, not chemistry...

Yak Shaving

I was reading Seth's Blog tonight and he had an old post about yak shaving in it that really hit home to me.

"Yak shaving" is a term that was apparently invented in 2000 by Carlin Vieri, a student at MIT, referring to a "Ren and Stimpy" episode (Watch the Yak Shaving Episode). Yes, the show is very silly. It's Canadian humor, what can I say?

It refers to a seemingly pointless, unrelated activity that you find yourself engaged in that is really the result of a series of causal relations links intended to help with the activity you are really trying to do.

Here is an example: Let's say you want to make a blog post. So you sit down and begin typing up what no doubt will be a masterpiece, when you realize that you need to back up the main argument with a fact. So you go looking for third party proof.

Realizing that there isn't any easily available, you decide to do a quick test. So you need to upload a file to your friend's website. You catch him at work, and he says no problem, but he forgot the login and password, so could you stop in at his house to get it?

At his house, your friends wife reminds you that you promised to fix a treasured travel memento (a pillow stuffed with Yak hair) that you accidentally sat on the last time you were over, spilling the stuffing out everywhere. She is still giving you the evil eye over this.

So you go to the basement to get the sewing kit, and then realize that you don't have any yak hair to stuff the pillow with. Naturally normal hair will not do. You remember that there is a farm just outside of town that sells yak milk, and therefore probably has yaks, complete with hair.

So you drive out there, buy some yak milk to appease the owner, and then bring up your yak hair issue. After some hemming and hawing, the owner agrees to let you shave a little off one of his yaks.

So there you are, at a farm in the middle of nowhere, trying to shave an ornery looking yak - just so you can write a blog post!

That's yak shaving.

Have you ever found yourself in a yak shaving moment? It happens to me all the time. For example, tonight I found myself filling up the water level in a fountain in my home just so I could book a flight on the internet to Los Angeles.

Hey, it all made sense at the time...

Ian

My Favorite Skunkworks Story

I just ran across one of the best skunk works stories ever in IT, told by the guy who was actually there, courtesy of Google Video and and the Google sponsored TechTalks on Aug 1, 2006.

"It's midnight. I've been working sixteen hours a day, seven days a week. I'm not being paid. In fact, my project was canceled six months ago, so I'm evading security, sneaking into Apple Computer's main offices in the heart of Silicon Valley, doing clandestine volunteer work for an eight-billion-dollar corporation."

Source: Ron Avitzur http://www.pacifict.com/Story/

It's an hour long, but it's worth it, trust me. Ron's story has inspired me for many years, and I'm thrilled to actually be able to hear him tell it in his own words.

In case the above video doesn't launch, here is the original link.
Ian

The SEO Crackpot Index

There have been a few funny posts and articles in SEO recently, that happened to be published right after I was doing some unrelated research into conspiracy theories (Did you know the world will end tomorrow? Wait, that was yesterday. Darn, I missed it...)

Anyway, the following is inspired by the original excellent Crackpot Index by John Baez - many thanks for the idea, John, and keep up the good work!

The SEO Crackpot Index

Begin with a -5 Point starting credit. We don't want to stifle new ideas, after all.

• 1 point for every statement that is widely agreed on to be false.
• 2 points for every statement that is clearly vacuous.
• 3 points for every statement that is logically inconsistent.
• 5 points for each such statement that is adhered to despite careful correction.
• 5 points for using a thought experiment that contradicts the results of a widely accepted real experiment.
• 5 points for each word in all capital letters (except for those with defective keyboards).
• 5 points for each mention of "Matt Cuts", "Sullivan" or "Mike Greham".
• 10 points for each claim that SEO is fundamentally misguided/delusional/fraudulent (without good evidence).
• 10 points for pointing out that you have gone to school, as if this were evidence of sanity.
• 10 points for beginning the description of your theory by saying how long you have been working on it. 10 additional points if you claim to have been doing SEO since 1994 or before.
• 10 points for offering prize money to anyone who proves and/or finds any flaws in your theory.
• 10 points for each use of "over-optimized", "over-SEO'd" and the like.
• 10 points for each new term you invent and use without properly defining it.
• 10 points for using an existing term in a manner that is clearly different from the accepted definition.
• 10 points for arguing that a current well-established theory is "only a theory", as if this were somehow a point against it.
• 10 points for claiming that your work is on the cutting edge of a "paradigm shift".
• 20 points for suggesting that you deserve a Nobel prize.
• 20 points for defending yourself by bringing up (real or imagined) ridicule accorded to your past theories.
• 20 points for beginning the article or post by wondering how long it will take for you to get banned or the article pulled.
• 20 points for talking about how great your theory is, but never actually explaining it.
• 20 points for each use of the phrase "SEO Gurus" or "SEO Community" as a derogatory statement.
• 20 points for suggesting a theory that, if true, would allow anyone to destroy anyone else's business or website rankings easily, instantly and without recourse, without clear evidence this is happening.
• 30 points for suggesting that search engines are plotting against SEO's or webmasters in general. Another 10 for citing your own rankings drop as proof.
• 30 points for insisting that if critics cannot disprove a theory, then it must of necessity be true
• 30 points for showing (or admitting) no/little knowledge of other people's previous work on the subject.
• 40 points for comparing those who argue against your ideas to Nazis, terrorists, or criminals.
• 40 points for claiming that the "SEO community" is engaged in a "conspiracy" to prevent your work from gaining its well-deserved fame, or suchlike.
• 40 points for comparing yourself to Galileo, suggesting that a modern-day Inquisition is hard at work on your case, and so on.
• 50 points for claiming you have a revolutionary theory but giving no concrete testable predictions.

The higher your score, the more likely you are to be an SEO crackpot. Actually, if it's in the positive numbers at all, you should carefully reconsider your arguments.

Ian

"The Internet is for Porn"

It's hard to do SEO for any length of time before running into adult sites that are highly optimized (aka spammed) messing up your rankings, even if your site isn't in that niche.

If you are in the niche, it's even worse. The keyword research alone is quite the eductation. Even totally mainstream sites have to be aware of the keywords used by people to look for these sites that may intersect with apparently innocuous keywords for your own.

I once did some work for a (now defunct) band called "Kiss The Midget" and the website logs were jammed searches from people looking for, um, little people love....

Another client made custom T-Shirts with logos on them, and I noticed a huge traffic spike right after adding several examples as part of the SEO for the site. At first, I thought it might have been due to my SEO efforts (and it was, partially) but the spike was way out of proportion to the potential market, so I got suspicious and went looking for a reason why. Turns out that one of the T-Shirts featured vinyl lettering with a "wet" look, and the combination of "wet" and "t-shirt", along with a site that was search engine friendly, propelled the site up in rankings for people looking for interesting pictures.

Unlike Pay Per Click (PPC), there is no ability to put negative keywords in organic designs, so sometimes wierd things happen, and you need to deal with it as an SEO.

In keeping with the theme of this post, I'd like to share a World of Warcraft (WOW) video (not kid friendly, but probably spouse friendly - it's tame) that had me almost rolling on the floor laughing.

It's based on a Google media search (see? I worked SEO into this post!):

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5430343841227974645

It just occured to me that this blog entry is probably going to get a lot of traffic due to some of the keywords that I just used. :)

Ian

The Perfect Keyword Density

OK, I'll spill the beans. ;)

The perfect keyword density (KWD) to use on a website is 3.14159265%

If you have any KWD other than that, your site cannot possibly contain any useful content, and the search engines know it, and will kill your rankings as a result.

Spammers, of course, do not know this, and therefore almost never have this exact KWD - that's why the search engines work so well most of the time.

Sure, there are a few spammers who have figured it out and manage to write random gibberish until they get a KWD of exactly 3.14159265%, but they are rare. The funny thing is that as soon as they type in enough random gibberish, the text becomes clear and visitors love it! Wierd, huh? Nothing like science to get the job done!

Of course, you could go out and make yours exactly equal, as well. But then the spammer would just go out and match it with 3.141592653%, at which point you'd have to beat them and hit 3.1415926535%, and so on.

This is called SEO (Simple Equation Organization) and is much more accurate than trying to figure out some sort of relevance or usefulness. That's all vague touchy-feely stuff. This is real numbers and decimal places, and is therefore much better and more scientific. The web is about data, technology and hard numbers, not being useful to humans - just ask any systems administrator and they will tell you.

Some other scientific facts:

• There are exactly 31,415,926,535 grains of sand in the Google Sandbox - Coincidence? I think not!
  
• If, at any point in time, 2 sites actually end up with the *exact* same KWD, there is a GoogleDance and another digit is added to the specification - don't worry, there are lots to go. This happens every few months and it's usually Jill Whalens fault for not counting words on her pages properly. We try to tell her, but she just won't listen...
  
• Your PageRank (PR) is exactly equal to the actual number of incoming links you have divided by 3.1415 - another coincidence? I doubt it! Check for yourself.
  
• The reason that MSN and Yahoo! show different listings from Google is because they round off differently, that's all.

I hope that is what you are looking for.

If you are doing SEO on a competing site to one of mine or my clients and found the above post useful, then keep up the good work!

Ian

(uhh...I didn't think I'd have to announce that the above was a joke/spoof, but apparently there really are people who think this is important stuff. Note to them: you might want to learn about a few of the changes that have been made to search engines in the last, oh, decade or so...)

Robots Blog

I'm a bit of a fan of the robots.txt file - and I've spent a lot of time messing around with the how's and why's of how it works. I've even put together a robots.txt generator and FAQ.

Brette Tabke (of WebmasterWorld, if you've been sleeping under a rock and didn't know already) has turned his robots.txt file into a blog. Not only is this irreverent, it's damn funny!

Brette has garnered some fame as of late because he's apparently declared war on rogue robots to his site. Where most SEO's and webmasters are desperately trying to get robots to visit, Brette is desparately trying to keep them away, especially the bandwidth sucking parasite ones that spammers create.

Strange how the rules change once you hit a certain level of success...

Ian

Politically Correct Holiday Legal Document

From McAnerin Networks Legal Dept ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the wishee") please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all... and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

• This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal
• This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
• This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
• This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
• This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
• The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor
• Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Santa Claus", or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

THIS AGREEMENT dated for reference December 25, 2005,

BETWEEN: Transmitter [hereinafter referred to as "the Wishors"]
AND: Recipient [hereinafter referred to as "the Wishees"]

IN OR AROUND THE CITY OF CALGARY, PROVINCE OF ALBERTA, DOMINION OF CANADA.

WHEREAS:

A. The Wishors have offered to the Wishees an emotionally positive celebration of the Winter Solstice on terms and conditions agreeable to the Wishees, with the proviso that such conditions do not impinge upon the reasonable enjoyment of said Solstice by other individuals within the reasonable contemplation of the Wishees, their heirs, assigns successors and other persons who may gain rights to said offer, whether by contract, tort or other operation of law; AND

B. The Wishors include in said offer the right to reasonable use and enjoyment of the period of time commencing (and including) January 1, 2006 and including the following 365.25 days to end no sooner than 12:00 am on January 1, 2007, having due regard to the rights and obligations of others to reasonable use and enjoyment of said period of time; AND

C. The Wishors have granted said offer on terms and conditions outlined in the Preamble to this Agreement, to wit:

(i) the offer is revocable and subject to further clarification at the option of the Wishors;

(ii) the offer is freely transferrable, PROVIDED THAT said offer shall remain unaltered in any transaction hereinafter entered into by, on behalf of, or for the benefit of the Wishees;

(iii) the Wishors are not, by sole reason of this offer, bound, obligated or otherwise liable for the implementation, whether by means direct or indirect, to the specific performance of any said covenants negotiated or directly implied by reason of the offers herein made;

(iv) that the laws of the jurisdiction in which the Wishees customarily reside may preclude the operation of certain terms or covenants expressed or otherwise incidental to the execution, negotiation or implementation of this Agreement;

(v) that this offer may be superceded by the mere affluxion of time (vis a vis the term of operation as set out in paragraph B above) or by earlier supercession by operatio of any subsequent offer made unilaterally by the Wishors (this term is for the benefit of the Wishors, and may not be used in any subsequent action by the Wishees as estoppel against any claim of further good tidings); and

(vi) that any references to Supreme Beings or other characters, fictitious or real, living or dead or otherwise the subject of copyright, trademark (registered or otherwise) or other intellectual proprietary rights, shall not, for the purposes of this Agreement, be deemed as an endorsement or acquiescence to any covenants herein or hereinafter entered into by either the Wishors, the Wishees or any of them, and that no infringement of said intellectual property rights is intended or should be inferred.

WHEREFORE THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS:

1. The Wishees accept the offer on terms and conditions stated in the Preamble to this Agreement, PROVIDED THAT such terms and conditions do not interfere with the lawful rights and interests of the Wishors;

2. The Wishees provide, as consideration for the offer as accepted, an offer to the Wishors upon the same terms and conditions as stated in the Preamble to this Agreement, and subject to the same rights, obligations, covenants and provisos as stipulated by the Wishors hereinbefore mentioned; and

3. The Wishees extend said offer to other persons not subject to privity of this contract, but who, as witnesses herein, agree to be bound by the same terms and conditions stipulated by the Wishors to the Wishees, and FURTHER PROVIDED THAT should any Third Parties included by operation of this paragraphfail to comply with said terms and conditions, herein incorporated by reference, that all offers made by said Wishees shall be voidable at the option of the Wishees, which voidability shall be subject only to the sole and unfettered discretion of the Wishees, and shall not be the subject of a defense by way of acquiescence, equitable estoppel or breach of fiduciary obligation.

4. All parties to and beneficiaries of this Agreement herein acknowledge that they have read and understood this Agreement in its entirety, and that they partake of and reap benefits of this Agreement freely and voluntarily, and hereby release and relinquish any right they may have as against the Wishors, the Wishees, or their respective heirs, assigns, successors and representatives, any right, whether in law or in equity, to damages or other equitable remedies arising out of an alleged fraud, misrepresentation, whether fraudulent or negligent, undue influence, coercion or duress or any other action in tort or contract which may arise directly or indirectly out of any such allegations.

5. Any provisions herein contained which are found void, voidable, illegal or unenforceable are severable from the remainder of this Agreement, and all other provisions not so found by a court of law or equity shall remain in full force and effect as a separate Agreement.

6. This Agreement constitutes the whole Agreement between and among the Wishors, the Wishees and any Third Parties incorporated by operation of this Agreement, and no modifications hereto shall be enforceable as against any such person unless said modification is shown to have existed prior to the assertion of such modification in a form written and agreed to in a manner similar to this Agreement by the parties against whom the modification is sought to be so enforced.

7. When in doubt, the butler did it.

{signed} This day,

Ian

SMA-NA Monkey Love???

My collegue and friend, Rand Fishkin (aka randfish) of SEOMoz.org posted a note encouraging people to join the Search Marketing Association of North America (SMA-NA), but apparently drew the ire of the, uhhhh... "Sex with Monkeys Association - No Apes (SMA-NA) in the process.

I can assure you that I take speciesism seriously and will get to the bottom of this barrel of monkeys ASAP. Further, we have notified the SPCA and will carefully monitor the effects of search engine professionals on simian sexuality from here on ;)

Note Passed on to me from Rand Follows:

Dear Mr. Rand,

I've found your blog to consistently be a worthwhile tool, and as someone who's continually struggling in the rankings, I appreciate your advice and insight. As a longtime fan of your work, you can imagine my joy at seeing the title of your post today - "Join the SMA-NA".

However, upon further reading, I was met with rather crushing disappointment.

As you may likely know, I am both the founder and reigning king of the "Sex with Monkeys Association - No Apes", and our flagship chapter, located in Clearwater, Florida, is already 16 members strong, having grown steadily since our inception in April, 2003.

Sadly, we have no other chapters. But 16 members, paired with a dozen little Capuchins - well, I don't need to tell you that there are times when I think that the human to monkey ratio is far too low...

Naturally, we've had our share of critics, of staunchy right-wing bigots who want to prevent us from making love to monkeys. They realize neither the fine, nuanced joy of making love to a Simian, nor the inherent beauty that these animals posess.

I especially like their little fuzzy genetalia.

But we struggle against persecution, as radical-thinking, brave progressives must. We are martyrs. We've come to accept it. We continue with our message and our mission. Naturally, the field of SEO is important to us for this exact reason - we must get our message out, must find others who share our beliefs and who are willing to join in our crusade.

I've worked incredibly hard to get SMA-NA ranking well on Google, Yahoo!, and MSN search. So you can imagine my reaction when I see you so blantantly toss a link to our homophonic nemesis, our arch-doppelganger, the Search Marketing Association of North America. And offer them business to boot!

We personally offer services that are every bit worthwhile as the other (or as I call them, the fraudulent) SMA-NA, but do we get any free listings? Any huge incentive for visitors of your site to later head to ours?

Apparently not.

Rot in hell, Mr. Rand, for not being able to appreciate the sweetness that is monkey love. Then again, if you lack something like that in your life, you are perhaps already in hell...

Sincerely,
Horatio Algiers
King, The REAL SMA-NA

Trade Mark 46664

I know a lot of patent agents, and even though I'm no longer practicing I still get newsletters, calendars, etc from all over the world. The newsletters help keep me up to date. The following was sent to me by my friends at Adams and Adams, an excellent Intellectual Property Law Firm in South Africa.

The rest of this post is a quote, but for legibility purposes I won't put the quote tag around it - the original authors were the law firm involved and Don MacRobert of Adams and Adams (note: "Madiba" is another name of Nelson Mandela):

A person applied for a trade mark at the Trade Mark Office in Pretoria. The mark consisted only of numbers 46664, which was Nelson Mandelas's cell number whilst in prison. The Nelson Madela family instructed it's legal advisor to object and the following is the Letter of Demand that was sent to the other side:

-------------------------------------------------

Trade Mark 46664

(as said "Four Triple Six Four")

The official records show that you have applied
For trade mark "46664" - so we have spied
Your wide speculation gives us no clues
Whether you will use on hats, clothes or simply just shoes.

We will at this stage refrain to mention
Whether you have the required bona fide intention
Of using the mark for your broad specification
Under the test of reasonable justification.

No - our clients are the Mandela Foundation
You must know them - you agree without hesitation
It goes further than just the client we named
Built on Nelson Mandela - and he's world famed.

Now the numeral which you are trying to claim
Is associated with Madiba - just let me explain
Whether said by word or digit - it matters no more
He's the sole owner of "Four Triple Six Four".

We all know how Madiba was caught
At the treason trial his pleas came to nought
The country was really something to cry for
Our freedom he said he was prepared to die for.

The presiding judge therefore made a finding
Passing sentence which was forever binding
Sent to Robben Island on Cape Town's foreshore
Jailed for life in cell number 46664.

Since his release we were not at all hesitant
To elect him our first democratic President
And for the Nobel there was no hesitation
For that Peace Prize based on his world reputation.

A passing-off action requires us to show
A reputation so wide that all must know
But not his name only - there has to be more
To claim ownership in number 46664.

This we beleive is easy to do
It's known far and wide - not just by a few
Robben Island has of course been proclaimed
A national monument because it's so famed.

Thus - daily there are thousands who flock
To view Robben Island from Cape Towns's dock
They get shown around prison then peep through the door
Into that notorious cell no. 46664.

So "What's in a number" do I hear you say
Well this is so special we claim if we may
A prima facie case, just as in tort
Reducing your version with problems so fraught.

Our instructions are clear and without more ado
There is only one thing that is now left for you
We call on you forthwith to withdraw
Trade mark number 46664.

-------------------------------------------------

Note: the trade mark application has now been withdrawn.

Ian

How I Became an SEO (Humor)

Note: Recent post by me in response to a thread about how unsophisicated many SEO's are...

I was jest out on mah back 40 shooten at some grub on the run anna city-feller come over an' tells me my new hoity-toity laptop looked pretty fancy.

So I'm, thinken "jeez! I don't want this feller to think I'm a hick, but I don't even know how to turn dis thing on! I jest won it at bingo last month!"

But then I member'd it was useful for finding that engine block I been look'n for all year. It was all growed over in weeds and I couldn't find it anywhar, so I started tossin the laptop into every bush I could see until, shore 'nuf, I hear'd me a clunk and there it was! My laptop sitting right on toppa mah engine block! Gowllllee! That was neat!

So den I went down to the local farmers market an' started helpin' out alla mah friends and kin. I'm the most famous guy around for finding engines in the weeds.Maybe I could impress the city feller with that story.

So I sez, "Yup! I use dat alla time searching for engines down at the market!"

An' then he got all excited like. He said "you do search engine marketing?!"

An' I said "Yep! I'm the best around, dontcha know!"

Then this feller got all happy and then changed the subject. He started talkin about his webs and stuff. I figure he's got a spider problem. critters. But my missus makes me kill them alla time, so I'm purty good at it. I put out bait an' make them think I'm friendly-like, and den stomp on them when they come out.

So I tells him, "I kin help y'all with that spiderin' issue yew have, if you like. I know how to get dem to like me"Then the feller gets all happy and asks me how much it would cost him for my services every month! Now, I figger they guy is crazy, ya know? Who pays someone to stomp on spiders alla time? Must have a lot of em....

So I go along with joke, an' say "a hunnerd grand a month!" and then get ready to laugh with the guy.

He jest nodded his head, pulled out his fancy suitcase-thing, and wrote a check right there ona spot!

So I packed my mah car, and moved to Bevery....Hills, that is.

And that's how I got into dis business. I figure anyone who can git someone to give them a hunnerd grand just for dealin wit der spiders is pretty sofis.. sofic.. sofistikated.

After all, I got money for it. Means I'm a professional, hey?

An' dats how I became a professional search engine marketer and spider problem fixer.